For years, okay for-ev-er, I resisted making resolutions. If everybody else was making resolutions, then you could count me out. This is not out of character for me at all. Without much information or even a quick a google search, I will summarily reject ideas, opinions and trends if I deem them too mainstream or in the category of "everybody's doing it." I offer Crossfit and essential oils as exhibits A and B. Can't do it, won't do it. But alas, I've been bombarded with the requisite media stories telling me either not to make resolutions at all or how to not fail after a three day trial run at a new me for the new year.
It all got me thinking.
In an attempt at personal growth, I decided to revisit my resistance to resolutions. In the past I offered all sorts of excuses, um, I mean reasons, for not making resolutions. I had such clever and witty maxims like, "I don't make resolutions, I set goals." Or how about: "My goal is to help others reach their goals. It takes the focus off me and helps me avoid pride." I know, I know. Do people really say things like that? Evidently. But man, I get a little sick in my mouth just reading it. Why? Because when I get down off my high horse long enough to honestly examine why I don't make resolutions, I'm left with two glaringly obvious reasons: fear and pride.
I do not make resolutions because I am afraid of what people would think of me if they knew the real me. If I went "public" with the things that mattered to me or goals I hoped to achieve I am afraid others would think I was silly or simple. I fear I might look stupid. I am afraid I might fail. And all this fear of what people think of me? All of the weighing success verses failure probability before moving forward? Yep, it's just pride.
Where does all this fear and pride stem from?
I have long labored under the belief that happiness and holiness are mutually exclusive. That is, to be a "real disciple" I must be suffering. To quote the great Garrison Keillor, I've always believed things could be worse and I am just waiting for them to become so. If at any moment I felt too happy or too content, I was convinced that I wasn't serving enough, praying enough, giving enough or, indeed, suffering enough. I understand the difference between happiness and joy. I know that happiness is circumstantial and temporary. Moreover, I firmly believe that my permanent joy is found in my salvation and my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. But, the fallacy that has plagued me is that happiness, because it is fleeting and fluid, is somehow sinful. Thus, anything that brings me a moment of happiness or pleasure must, by it's very nature, be silly, stupid, simple and shameful. Oh how I limit my Mighty God when I dismiss His good gifts and blessings that bring me happiness. I shun the things that bring me pleasure out of guilt. This is not of God. This is not good fruit. This is a lie the enemy has told me. This is a lie I resolve to no longer believe.
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. ~ James 1:17
I plan to make a few resolutions this year. I want this to be a year of no fear. My first resolution seems pretty obvious and maybe even easy. For me, however, this is a doozy. My first resolution is this: Find what makes me happy, and do more of that. Do more of that without shame or apology. Do more of that without guilt or embarrassment. Do more of what makes me happy without fear.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. ~ John 10:10
I'm pretty sure doing more of what makes me happy could make life quite simply, so lovely.
- xoxo
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